Skin so soft

When it’s not sliding off your face in sheets, that is. Apparently, a chemical similar to Ecstasy is being packaged and sold as bath salts. Kids are snorting the stuff to experience the fun of paranoia, suicidal tendencies and vivid hallucinations. To get to the bottom of this (I’m a journalist!) I had myself a long soak in the tub with my favorite fragrance to find out what the buzz is about. Unfortunately, the experiment could not be completed. While my skin is smooth and silky, I found it impossible to concentrate with all those bats flying around.

The Velvety Vagabond

After reading about the homeless man with the golden voice out in Los Angeles, I decided to track down one of our local panhandlers to see if there was some sort of bizarre trend afoot. Unfortunately, that experiment was a failure, as well. The fellow didn’t have time to discuss it with me, what with his mom needing an operation and his sister pregnant with twins. I gave him my checkbook and he agreed to get back to me once those problems are sorted out.

My sincerest apologies

To Birdie Googins. She’s the zany lady who serves as Marden’s mascot. Not Flo, as I reported in Street Talk on Wednesday. Flo, of course, is the chipper lady from Progressive Insurance. How could I make such an egregious error? Quite frankly, it’s because I dream of both these women nightly and things get confused. Lurid dreams of love, automobile coverage and cheap electronics. Birdie with her bag lady clothes and exotic head ware, Flo with her nurse-looking uniform and clipboard at the ready.

Is it getting hot in here?

Give that man a blue ribbon

In Norway, a 20-year-old was nabbed when police followed his footsteps and found the lad with a stolen 18-pack of Budweiser. D.B. Cooper this man is not. If you want to steal beer, steal Pabst Blue Ribbon and nobody, but nobody will come looking for you.

January

Has been a horrible month. A cruel, taunting, spiteful month of deadly cold and rising snowbanks. Tomorrow it dies and good riddance to it. Somebody draw me a bath.

Cleanup in aisle five

Where a bloated head has exploded, thanks to the nice, young clerk at Hannaford who said swell things about me and I didn’t even have to pay her. It almost makes me feel guilty about stealing those pastries.