Greetings from the other side

There’s a sign in front of a business at Lisbon and Pleasant in Lewiston that I’m pretty sure is a link to the afterworld. The sign says “6 cents,” which is clearly a reference to Cole Sear and others who possess a paranormal ability to speak with the dead. In fact it’s possible that only dead people can see the sign. Which would mean … Dear God! Have I been dead this whole time? Why am I still paying taxes and crap?

I’m all out of bubble gum

I’ve also been seeing a lot of signs that say “obey” out there lately, but I only see them when I’m wearing these cool sunglasses I found.

Red pill

If you understand the “obey” reference above, welcome to the matrix.

Tools of the road

Also, there’s a certain model car on the street right now that has brake lights that look like Phillips screw heads. I don’t know why this riles me so, but it does. Maybe because I only carry a flathead when I’m driving.

Fleece-lined cargo pants

This is the best invention since the zipper. In fact, between November and May, I’d just as soon have fleece-lined everything. If you are someone who interacts with me on a daily basis, prepare to be fleece-lined. You’ll thank me later.

To serve bird

I know Thanksgiving is behind us now, but I’ve always wondered why so many businesses use the turkey as the symbol of the holiday. Here’s a happy turkey holding a sign announcing big holiday savings, including a special on turkey meat! Here’s a smiling turkey who appears absolutely thrilled that prices are so low on a blend of ingredients that will soon be stuffed into his backside. Here’s a dancing turkey who wants you to know that he tastes delicious in gravy. This is nearly as disturbing as those M&M commercials featuring joyous pieces of candy partying with people who will eventually chew them up, swallow and digest them. Forcing food to celebrate its own demise is just sick. Remember how we all felt when we discovered – too late! – that the Kanamits’ tome was actually a cookbook?

In an unrelated matter . . .

I often wonder if it’s obvious when I’m scrambling to fill column space and I have absolutely nothing for Talk of the Town. I’m probably just being paranoid.