Editor’s Note: We have changed the name of the DV survivor to protect her.

REGION — “I felt like a ‘jerk’ for staying,” said “Barbara.” “I worked on being ready to go for a long time. He just couldn’t know.”

He was her high school sweetheart, the only man she ever knew intimately. They married just after graduation. She’s been with him more years than she’s been without him.

“At first it was sporadic rages … once or twice a year,” she said. “I excused it because there were always external stressors.”

The pattern of rages, and bruises, soon became more regular … and so did his alcohol intake.

“I knew the pattern. It would be fine, if not great, for a while. I knew when he was going to blow. Then it would start all over and get worse each time. I knew it wasn’t right, but it was all I knew,” she said.

When the couple faced a financial setback, they decided to move to a new area. He quit drinking. She was hopeful the changes would help with the abuse. For a while, it seemed to be working.

“It was stable then, and it was good, at least for us but I wasn’t being naïve,” she said. “There is a reason I never really unpacked all the boxes when we moved. I was hopeful … but I was waiting for the inevitable explosion.”

The explosion came.

“It’s akin to an addict that relapses after a long period of sobriety. You know it’s going to be bad. That’s exactly what it felt like,” she said.

She made excuses for him, and for the marks he left on her.

“I fell down the stairs. Walked into things. Slipped on the bathroom floor. I’m not really as clumsy as everyone thought I was,” she said. “But just like he’ll never change unless he is ready to get help, I couldn’t change my situation until I was ready.”

She never involved law enforcement. She was afraid leaving a mark on his record would what pushed him over the edge.

“Looking back on it, I should have called the cops but in the back of my head, I always felt all of this was my fault, somehow.”

She can’t clearly recall what exactly shifted to open her eyes to the severity of her situation, but she was finally ready to leave. Secretly, she began seeking help. She collected contacts for various resources. She called a hotline. For the first time, she told a few friends. She started building what she calls her escape plan.

“I felt like I was getting ready to leave a very sick man,” she said. “I wouldn’t leave him if he had diabetes or cancer or was sick in any other way. But a sick man would have gone to the doctor. With him, there was never any acknowledgment of a problem. The only issue was always something I’d done or didn’t do, never anything to do with his actions.”

It wasn’t easy leaving the only life she had ever known. It took counseling, a new-found faith and a move back home to cut the ties.

“At first, he guilted me saying I left him at his worst and he promised to get some help if I came back. I was scared to say “yes” and scared to say “no”. It was a very manipulative tactic at a time when I felt very alone. It would have been easy to go back,” she said.

It’s been a few years since she left but she’s still recovering emotionally from the trauma. The fear she felt for most of her life has turned into a bitter anger which she is trying to let go, she said.”

“I hate that I loved him so much,” she said.”I hate that he messed up what could have been, and should have been, a very good life.”