A true pantaloons mystery

So, the other day, a handwritten note appeared on a scrap of paper left atop my motorcycle. The note was tucked in beneath my tank bag and said only, “look in pocket.” This was the most exciting thing to happen to me in weeks, so I spent several minutes rifling through all the pockets on that tank bag, believing that further clues would be found there and the adventure would begin.

But nope. Just my registration, sunglasses and a few items I’d rather not share with you because they might be embarrassing.

No hint of any kind as to what the note writer was getting at. But suddenly inspiration struck like a noogie upon my head. Maybe they weren’t referencing pockets on my saddle bag but referencing something in the pockets of the very pants I was wearing! So I spent another five minutes turning every single one of my pockets out, including front, back and cargo pockets, only to be further disappointed I did find a stick of gum I’d thought I’d lost, so I suppose it wasn’t a total loss.

Additional clues

By the way, this note was apparently written on the back of a shopping list. On the list: salmon dinner, orange juice, gelato and wet food. Those are some tantalizing and delicious clues.

A true footwear mystery

The other day I was hanging out on Walnut Street — you don’t need to know why — when I noticed that there were abandoned pairs of sneakers hanging over the phone lines stretching on for a full block. Dozens of sneakers just dangling there imparting a message to which I was not privy. Back in the day, dangling sneakers used to signify gang activity, allegedly, but I don’t think that’s it this time. I asked a kid but he just looked at me weird and scampered off. So now I have two mysteries on my hands but only one stick of gum with which to chew them over.

Cane me, bro

The Sabattus Historical Society is searching for the town’s oldest resident to present with the coveted Boston Post cane. If you are really, really old or know somebody who is really, really old, get in touch with them pronto. If nobody else claims it, I’m gonna fudge my ID and make bid for that cane, myself. You hear me, Sonny? That’s a really nice cane, although I don’t expect you young folk to understand.

Pizza pro tip

So, there’s this joint called Jason’s Pizza in Topsham where one can order a massive pizza that comes in a box featuring Paul Bunyan and his companion ox, Blue. What’s more is that where Mr. Bunyan’s head should be is a cutout allowing you, the proud pizza owner, to insert your own face for hilarious picture taking. My pro tip is that you should make sure to remove the pizza before you do this or else you’ll make a mess of yourself. It happened to a guy I know.