#$@#!! of a @#$!!$

Over the weekend, I had two monitors and a television go bad over the span of about four hours. In reviewing the tape, I’ve discovered that the ensuing string of profanity I offered at this turn of events stretched on for 24 syllables. That’s a new record for profanity that doesn’t involve shoveling snow. As we all know, snow shoveling profanity strings generally go on for a hundred syllables or more.

A whiz with names

While I was in the White Mountains over my recent vacation (I was on vacation, you know) I came across a business called “Cheese Louise.” This tickled me to no end. I would have stopped in for a wheel of Époisses de Bourgogne just to express my appreciation, but I was worried about North Conway gangs.

And speaking of vacation …

I could definitely get used to this not working thing. I’m thinking that instead of going back to the day-to-day toil, I’m just going to try my hand at becoming independently wealthy. How hard can it be?

Roadwork

What in the (long string of busted computer monitor profanity) are they doing on Canal Street in Lewiston? I’m gone for just one week (I was on vacation, you know) and they’ve changed everything down there. Stop signs where there were none before. Big puddles of paint in the roadway just dying to get slick under my motorcycle tires. I don’t mean to sound self-important, but city leaders should not put forth projects like this while I’m on vacation.

It’s all semantics, bruh

So, while I was on vacation, I climbed three-plus miles to Chimney Pond on Mount Katahdin and from there, ascended one of the minor peaks. Now, to me, since I was on Mount Katahdin and actively climbing for two days, I’m entitled to say that I’ve climbed Katahdin. I mean, semantically, it’s correct. For my next trick, I’ll weigh a photograph of Mount Everest so I can say I’ve “scaled” the highest mountain in the world.

Hooligan 4 life

I’ve had two people contact me recently to lament the fact that I’ve been writing so much about hiking and other wholesome concepts, they fear that I’ve lost my streetwise edge. Not to worry, my hard-boiled friends. When I’m not hiking, rescuing kittens or eating gelato while reading Nancy Drew mysteries, I’m still engaged in the kind of hoodlum activities downtown that would make my own momma disown me. I even got myself a tattoo, yo. Granted, it’s just a temporary face tattoo I got at a carnival, but still. It’s pretty edgy.

Vacation brain

On Tuesday, I made a call to the Sabattus Town Office only to reach a woman with such a high-pitched voice, I couldn’t understand a word she said. Turns out I’d called their fax machine. What’s embarrassing is that I made two more calls before I figured it out.