Why was I not consulted!

So, with a new management group running things at The Colisée, the Lewiston Maineiacs are in while the Maine Nordiques are out? This is distressing news to me since I grew fond of the Nordiques hockey squad last season. And once again, I am outraged that I wasn’t consulted on big decisions being made in Lewiston. Had I known, I could have rushed over to The Colisée and cast the decisive vote on the matter or something. That’s how it works in the corporate world, right? Random strangers can run in off the street to scuttle a deal?

There’s a new sheriff in town …

At the same time, it will be good to see the Maineiacs back in town. That’s some great hockey and they’ve got the best mascot in the league. In fact, it seems to me like we could use big, bad Lewy to help combat crime in downtown Lewiston. His very presence would send all those gang bangers scurrying away like frightened chickens and peace would fall over our fair city. See? See what grand ideas city leaders are missing by not hitting me up for advice on their projects?

Are you listening?

Since the latest forum on crime in Lewiston was a one-on-one affair, I basically had to creep all over the room and eavesdrop on all of the mayor’s private conversations. I felt like a junior high school kid all over again. You wouldn’t BELIEVE what they said about Tina, from home room.

I ain’t no food thief

So, when the arrest of a dine-and-dasher in Lewiston made big headlines last week, a local guy who shares the same name as the suspect had to run around convincing his friends and family that he wasn’t the guy. “I ain’t no food thief!” the fellow told his suspicious momma, even as a shred of purloined coleslaw poked from the side of his mouth. OK, that last part may not be exactly right, but the rest of it is true, mostly.

And speaking of our big eater

YOU try writing two days worth of stories about this kind of thing while searching for other ways to describe the act of dining and dashing. Bill skipping? Tab ducking? Meal pilfering? Free fooding? Grub ghosting? Actually, those are pretty good. Thanks for talking this out with me.

Take a hike on the wild side

I had someone write me to say they have always enjoyed my news columns and that they have taken some very good hiking tips from them. Since I’ve written maybe .00002% of my columns about hiking and the rest about crime and mischief, I sincerely hope the lady isn’t taking anything I write as hiking tips. If she does, she’ll probably end up hiking Mount Bartlett Street for those breathtaking views of Kennedy Park, and she’ll carry sidearms instead of trekking poles. Which, now that I think of it, doesn’t sound all that bad. I’m in.