For so long I have admired the good people of Pine Tree Weather, as well as those deadly serious folks who work for the National Weather Service.

Not only can these experts advise us on what weather we should expect when we’re off for a hike or planning a backyard barbecue — one wouldn’t want Meemaw getting rained on when she’s eating potato salad because you know how she gets — but they do so with the spiffiest terminology known to man.

These guys, their eyeglasses shimmering as they look over the latest long-term models on their computer screens, come at us with terms like “convergence” and “major trough” and “polar vortex” as if they were announcing the latest action-adventure movie. Starring Gerard Butler, probably, instead of just plain old weather.

Few of us laymen understand all those terms, but we pretend we do. We nod knowingly as the TV weatherman advises us about fluctuations in barometer due to some high pressure ridge and how it’s likely to affect the corn come fall.

When they talk about the effects of things like El Nina, La Pinto and De Santa Maria, we feel a little tingle of recognition as if we know these global climate patterns personally.

“Bad weekend for potato salad, Meemaw,” we’ll say all confidence and swagger. “We got El Nino bringing chaos right across that ridge and with the dew point being what it is, well … Maybe you want to play bingo instead.”

Smart and respectable folks, those weather forecasters. But why do they limit their vast skills of prognostication to the weather? Why not turn that high-powered perception on matters of equal or greater importance, Clarice?

Can you imagine how much better the people of Lewiston — not to mention the hardworking and vaguely handsome crime beat reporter — could plan their days if the mischief and mayhem that plagues the city was announced in advance?

I’ve been covering crime in Lewiston for 100 years, come October, so I know a thing or two about crime trends. Pair me up with someone like Mike Haggett of Pine Tree Weather and we’re talking about a perfect storm of brilliance here. After all, doesn’t this city act like a turbulent and unpredictable weather system at times, throwing figurative rain on our metaphorical parades?

You’re darn skippy, it does. I’ll throw some crime forecasts down just to get things started, and if you want to plan your weekend with Meemaw around them, I don’t think you can go wrong.

Unstable drinkers and a chance of gunplay

Forecasters are monitoring a high pressure system developing in the area of College and Sabattus streets as competing groups of day drinkers clash over front porch rights. This slow moving system may bring street brawls to the area, particularly in the late afternoon as midday temperatures begin to drop and blood alcohol levels rise.

The forecast also calls for a chance of gunfire in the Bartlett Street lowlands, between Birch Street and East Avenue, through the remainder of the week and into the weekend. The high pressure system is expected to build as a front bringing heat and humidity collides with the arrival of a new month, during which state checks are sent out. A gunplay warning also remains in effect in the regions to the east and west of the Bartlett Street corridor, particularly in the areas of Pine and Pierce streets. Travelers in that area are advised to practice their “duck and cover” drills before setting out.

In the area of Park and Pine streets, a demolition project has caused an existing ecosystem to turn unstable as groups accustomed to retreating to the shade of the old bank building find themselves forced onto Park Street on one side and into Kennedy Park on the other. Motorists are advised that the Pine Street trough, between Park and Bates streets, may experience an inordinate number of people darting in and out of traffic, many of them not wearing pants.

The forecast in that area calls for scattered fistfights and random disputes over property, which may result in sporadic litter or small fires. Some light vandalism might be experienced by those who park their vehicles along the Pine Street corridor, particularly after dusk when blood alcohol levels begin to peak.

In the parking garages, ongoing instability is expected through the remainder of the week as permit parkers clash with garage denizens over bathroom rights. Frequent showers are likely, with a possibility of heavy downpours. There will definitely be drizzle. Those who park in garages along the storm front — which is basically all of them — are advised to wear galoshes and park on high ground.

And there you are, a rounded forecast you can use to plan all of your downtown activities with confidence.

Although if I got things wildly wrong, for God’s sake don’t tell Meemaw it was me because I definitely don’t want a whooping.