Nothing would be quite so divine as a personal tour of a balsam factory.

“Mmm,” we would say. “Smell that!”

Unfortunately, to keep our secret identities, well, secret, such a tour would have to be conducted at night, with the lights out, and since we assume there must be balsamic saws and sharp stick edges pointing about, it suddenly just seems less blissful and more courting disaster.

Instead, we dare to dream, and these days Bag Lady and Shopping Siren are dreaming of Bethel. Because Memorial Day marked the unofficial start of tourist season. Because it was time for another online road trip. Because, at the mere mention of us visiting Western Maine, we had five retailers invite us for a look-see, including Maine Balsam Fir.

In six years of Bliss, five invites is a tidal wave. Scratch that. TIDAL WAVE.

So Bethel and greater Bethel, here we come, virtually. Part One: In which we admire art, cook up deliciousness and reach through cyberspace to pet Martina.

Smell that!

* “Classic Beverage” 11- by 16-inch canvas photo print, Artistic Endeavors, $75 

Reminiscent of Andy Warhol’s famous Campbell’s Soup painting, only, you know, with beer. A can of Budweiser to be exact. Forget beach scenes and pretty wildflower fields; nothing says summer like a cold one.

* Saltwater taffy, 14 ounces, Maine Line Products, $7.95

Tastes like the ocean on a summer day. Minus the tourists. Because, ew.

* “Bethel, Maine: A Brief History” by Stanley R. Howe, Bethel Historical Society, $21.99

With 160 pages and 75 illustrations, it’s everything you ever wanted to know about Bethel (er, “Sudbury Canada” as it was known in 1768) but were afraid to ask.

* “Up Bethel Hill: The Cookbook of the Bethel Historical Society,” Bethel Historical Society, $12.95 

We have no idea what kind of recipes, summer or otherwise, this book contains, but it’s on its second printing, so it’s got to be good, right? That’s practically “The Joy Of Cooking” level.

* Alligator salt and pepper shakers, Nabos, $17

These alligators may be dancing. They may be sunning themselves. They may be locked in mortal combat, letting go only long enough to pepper your steak. There are no photos in the online shop, which heightens the mystery of ordering said shakers. Or, for $18, earrings. Online shopping here is very much: “Trust us; you’ll dig it.” And trust we do, if for no other reason than the site offers photos of shop dog Martina, who looks pretty adorable, and we figure adorable hangs with adorable.

* Bargain box, Maine Balsam Fir, various prices

Sadly, the store’s online shop is under construction, but we hear rumors — OK, the owner told us via email — of an aromatic box filled with balsam fir seconds and other goodies. She also tells us she’s been sweet-talked by customers into a quick tour of the factory. We plan to go the moment we work up a good disguise.

Best find: Celebration Cake, Gourmet in a Pinch, $3.49

Shopping should be a celebration. Like, “Yay, I lived another day to shop!” or “Isn’t this great? I have Friday off!” Cake helps in that spirit, and this little celebration cake (white chocolate mousse with lady finger sponge cake walls) would help a lot.

Unfortunately, you can’t order online, so you’ll have to stop by their Mayville Road, Bethel, shop for desserts and meals to go. When you’re there, ask about their online “about us” section, which mentions an executive chef who may or may not also be a sigma six expert black belt. It’s unclear. (Shopping Siren believes the chef and black belt to be different people; Bag Lady prefers to imagine them as one person who also works for the CIA, though there is no mention of that. Technically.)

Think twice: About stopping now. We bring you more Bethel-area goodness next week, when we pester moose, ponder the merits of laser tag versus mini golf and get in touch with our inner Scot.

Bag Lady and Shopping Siren’s true identities are protected by a pair of stylish, sweater-wearing Doberman pinschers (who believe every day is a celebration that deserves cake) and the Customer Service counter at the Sun Journal. You can reach them at [email protected] and [email protected].